when you lose your badge of busy-ness

I'm not sure about you, but I had my go-to phrase nailed down. The last 3 years, anytime I was asked "how are you" my immediate response was easy, rehearsed. "Really busy, but doing good." Didn't matter if I was over the moon stoked on life or wanting to cry because I hadn't had time to sit in 3 days, I was busy but good. I was busy by choice, and busy by addiction. If I had more than one night a week that I was home before 9 I would feel guilty, like I wasn't being the best leader, person, servant I could be. I wasn't committed to anything bad, I was doing some great, meaningful things. It was the addiction to having things to do that I'm realizing isn't so good.. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who has this addiction. Whether it's social media and the hundreds of "friends" who are letting us know how busy they are. Or the fact that every conversation has to do with how busy you are, or how it takes weeks to find a free night to meet a dear friend for dinner. This is just the way life is, at least where I'm from.

Six weeks ago my life got packed up into a big-ole-van. I said goodbye to the my people, and left California to drive to Texas with Bevs. I could totally lie and say that life is busy here, and that I've been busy being a wife and busy looking for a job (found one, thanks God) or I could be honest. Admit I've never been less busy. I've never had more time on my hands. I've never had days on end with literally nowhere to be and not a meeting in sight. I have been the polar opposite of my old self.

I've been learning that for me, busy-ness was a pride thing as much as it was an addiction. I wanted other people to look at me and think I was important. I didn't want to say no to anything because I wanted to be reliable. I wanted to get everything done, even if that meant I missed out on a good conversation, or was barely awake enough to lead my small group girls.  The past six weeks have been some of the toughest. Not because sitting on the couch watching Netflix while applying to jobs is difficult. But losing that thing that I held on so tightly to was hard.


If I was offered the busy life again, right now, I'm not sure I could say no. But what I'm hoping is that with a little more time, I will begin to not only learn the importance of rest, but appreciate it. I hope that I will learn to say yes to fewer things and no to pretty good things so that I have time to invest in the great things. I hope that I wont be embarrassed whenI don't have anything important to do or anywhere to be. I hope that as I begin to build a life in a new city, I take time and prayer to thoughtfully choose where to put my time. Being busy isn't always something we have control over, but being addicted to it, thats something that can be changed. They say the first step on the path to recovery is admitting you have an addiction, so I would suppose I am officially on the road.

what being inclusive looks like today

a long time ago, i wrote a blog post about what i like most in friends. i talked about being inclusive, and inquisitive. [i'm sure half the reason was because i liked the alliteration] anyways, i was thinking about those two things the other day, and realized how spot on those traits describe my feyonce-fiance.

he has been in the middle of a crazy hectic month of exams and group projects. he had a giant test that he had been studying for all weekend. this week he texted me saying " woo.WE got a 95% on OUR exam!!" pretty sure i live 3 states away, know 0% about finance, and was of absolutely no help to him in studying for this test...its 99% more likely i was more of a distraction texting him wedding centerpiece picture ideas while he was studying.  im also pretty sure he knows that too. but he always shares the victories with me anyways. from the day he called me to let me know that WE had gotten into our first med school, to the day he called to let me know WE had gotten into the the med school of OUR (mostly his) dreams. i remember being nervous, at the beginning of this journey together, that i would feel as though my contributions weren't as important as his (because he's gonna be a doctor and like, fix people). but from the beginning, he has always been the first to make me feel like my little joys were a reason to celebrate and always made me feel like his academic journey is ours to share.

i never really pictured myself being in a long distance engagement,(lets be honest who does?) with a duel degree school fanatic. [when i cared more about outfit planning than note taking in my college years ] but here i am. && it goes to show that my plans and ideas aren't nearly as cool and sweet as Gods. being far away from my favorite human is tough, (obvi) but it's those little moments of shared joy over aced tests and phone calls where you can't stop laughing that i am reminded that its so worth it. sorry for embarrassing you bevs. [not that you'll see this anytime soon]