grown up life

In high school, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and start my own life. Now 5 years later, I wish I could be 10 again. In post college life, i find myself wanting nothing more than months at home, family dinners, long hikes in the open space, and chats about life over coffee. The longer I am away from my family, the more I appreciate and cherish them.

 I think its the fact that this wont happen again that makes me crave it so. while being a grown up is fun and exciting, and i like working (sometimes) the indefinence of it is terrifying. Every stage in life before this had a definite end, a graduation date. As an adult there is no graduation date. No finish line to run towards. No semesters with breaks, no canceled classes and days off just because. The permanence of it is actually quite terrifying. This part of my life that I have looked forward to for so many years is now daunting. 

I was always told that it is college where you find yourself and become who you really are supposed to be. Now looking back I disagree. In college you are a student. Your identity is handed to you along with your major and your classes. You have almost instant friends and you live with too many people and stay up way to late. While I did mature in college, I didn't have to identify myself as anything other than a student. 

Now, I am forced to find an identity outside of education, away from instant friends, and far away from home.  I think more than ever I have been learning to cling to the teachings i learned working for Sonshine Ministries. "do not cling to a job, or identity, cling to the person of Christ" When everything else in my life is chaotic and confusing I know just one thing to be constant. Christ.  While I don't know how long each of  these undefined phases of my life will last, I do know that God has equipped me to be an adult and that he will remain the constant peace in this ever changing life. 

Fall

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for this first time in my life, i didnt start school this fall.

its a little surreal, seeing pictures of friend starting classes and actually having left that stage of life. 

this year, fall still brings about a fresh start, but a different sort.

this year, fall is marked by team meetings, program planning, staff retreats, and calendar syncing. 

i love new beginnings and fresh starts.

kick off club for young life, ministry fairs at churches. 

any opportunity to begin again and try out something new excites me. 

this fall myself and my leadership team at Mira Mesa High School Young Life have started praying over a new idea for our Young Life club.

we are hoping to solve some of our logistical problems (such as lack of student transportation and sports schedules) and move club on campus during lunch. 

i am giddy just thinking about it, the amount of students we could meet and get connected too would be huge.

building relationships with teachers and administration would be much easier as well, because in Young Life the ministry doesn't stop at high school students. our goal is to reach the whole community. 

i would ask that you pray for this season of ours, for open doors, and open minds from the school.

pray for curious students with open hearts, for renewed and energized leaders with wisdom to lead.

thanks for walking alongside me in this season. 

blessings
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epidemic of business

I've learned the last six months, that more now than ever, we as humans, and especially as Christians are obsessed with being busy. We believe that comparison is a thief of joy, yes. and so we don't compare our looks as much as the world does, or compare our clothes, and worldly things and salaries. But what we do compare is schedules. If you are not exhausted, strung out on 5 cups of coffee, and so involved your calender looks like a tornado of commitments, you are doing something wrong. You have to be in a life group, a community group, a church group, and outreach group and that's just your extra curricular activities. Most people who work in some sort of ministry describe their lives as crazy, and chaotic. We try and plan a night to have dinner and catch up and we have to sched it 6 weeks out.
I found my self feeling guilty when I got home after a an 11 hour day instead of the usual 13-14 and actually had time to veg out.  At my staff retreat last week, someone outside of Young Life came and spoke. He taught us about rest, told us to take a nap and spend some time walking slow and praying. What an idea! I think he knew that most of us hadn't slept a full night in weeks, and that tiredness was a commonalty. I have found myself becoming tired of being tired. & while I am told this is what is to expect, as an adult. I don't want that to be the case. I don't want my whole life to be a race, collapsing at the end of each day so spent I barley had time to enjoy it.I no longer want to be refereed to by friends as that girl who never has time to hang out because shes so busy. I want to enjoy the blessing in my life. Spend time catching up with friends, eating good food, and hiking.
I think that being busy is a pride issue more than anything. If i feel like i need to be doing stuff all day long in order for good to be done, than i am ignoring the fact that I serve the God of the universe who is the real creator of good things. He can do awesome things with zero help from me.  Its amazing that God chooses to use us little humans to help him do great things, but when we begin to rely on ourselves and less on God that's when we begin to hit walls. A mentor shared with me that wisdom is not knowing what you could do, but doing what you should. & knowing the difference. I think my new plan of action is to swallow my pride, and think less about what i can do more. and think more of what God can do. Spend more time praying and less time stressing. Skip out on unnecessary things. Simply be still. 

Trust Exercises

The end of Senior Year has brought about many different emotions, a lot of which I have never felt before. If you too are graduating, you may be right there with me.  The last year has been filled with faculty, adults, even family asking me what I am doing after graduation, will I be able to support myself, what is the longevity of your choice? All done in love, and out of concern for my well being I'm sure. But that doesn't make the questions any less stressful.  I made the choice to go into ministry upon graduation, last August, and now, just one month away from the big day. I can answer no more of the questions than I could 10 months ago. 

Will I be able to live off this- likely no, that's why people have two jobs. 

Is there longevity- I'm not sure. -  I hope so! 

Am I sure this is the best option for me? - In what way? God called me to it, so Gods plan wins. Always. 

I have found myself trapped in this swirling headache trying to figure out my life. Was going into ministry worth this headache? 

In the midst of this headache I still say Yes. one hundred times yes. 

I sat down, completely discouraged tonight and started praying. For answers, for encouragement, for reassurance that God had me where He wanted me. 

It was almost as if God was waiting for me tonight. He knew I was going to finally stop stressing for 3 minutes and actually talk to him about this.  The verses "I have made you, I will sustain you...For man does not live on bread alone..." Came to mind.  I felt the whisper of "When have I ever forsaken you, child?" speak to my heart.  I love these moments, where God nurtures my heart and answers my fears with his kindness. I spoke about the Resurrection at Young Life tonight and how it renews our lives, and can attest that Christ renews my spirit daily. 

With 24 days until graduation-  I don't have it figured out. & yes the very human me is nervous about what is to come. However, I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that my God is with me, and fills me up daily with His love. I think God knew I didn't have time to work out this month, so he gave me the kind of exercise I can fit into my schedule whether I like it or not: trust exercises. 

Confidence & Peace

This year God has taught me there is a difference between confidence and peace in my decisions. 

I had always searched for peace when making decisions. When I felt at peace I would make that decision. Only then was I confident that God had led me to the decision.  This year God changed me to first be confident in Him and the fact that His plan is always the best for my life. I may not have peace about it, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. 

I was confident God wanted me to quit my job at the front desk, but I was scared and nervous so I delayed the inevitable. God called me to go on staff for YoungLife, but it was out of my comfort zone. The common feeling in both of these changes? Confidence. I knew it was God that had put these things on my heart. Not my own choices, but instead God's. My human fear postponed peace, but God challenged me to follow through with faith. 

Often, the most peaceful decision is easy and you want that to happen. But the harder thing that God is calling you to do may involve taking a leap of faith and trusting him with something huge. And I don't know about you, but I don't feel peace instantly about that. (I wish I did) I feel lots of peace and comfort about staying in bed and drinking coffee, watching Netflix and pinning clothes I cant afford all morning; that doesn't make that the right decision. I am much more confident that even though it is tough some days, God is calling me to more. 

God has shifted my thinking to first search for His sovereign and perfect will: to be confident in my Saviors path for my life. Then to pray for the blessing of peace.  That's right, peace is a blessing, not a right! In both my decisions I have first been challenged and shortly after blessed by a peace that surpasses all understating. 

early morning meeting.

I spent the weekend tucked away in the smallest little corner of San Diego. 

Nestled in-between some farm pastures and a dirt road, in a little cluster of cabins that I am beginning to build more memories with.  

This weekend was my area leader retreat. 

A time to re focus ourselves, plan away the spring semester and worship together. 

I left southern San Diego tired, not quite feeling myself. 

As I set myself up in my cabin, shared with 10 other girls friday night, my body ached for a good nights rest.  I felt God whispering to me, inviting me to instead wake up early and meet him...

Its mornings like these that bring me back to some of the best weeks of my life, serving Jesus on a Houseboat on Lake Shasta. God always seemed so near when I was on the water, and truthfully, I know he always is, but there is something so peace filled and encouraging about meeting God in the morning.  I wrote in my journal "I know your mercies are new each morning, so maybe its a bright shiny new mercy awaiting my heart, not yet tainted by the noise of a busy day, refreshing my faith. Yes this is worth it."  That day was filled with the most productive planning meeting, coupled with hours of laying in the grass while a sweet ten month old boy napped on my shoulder. 

At the end of the day, the whole team hiked up a hill and looked up at the starry night. I think it's impossible for me to look at the stars and not think of Jesus. How he placed them there, knowing how much wonder they would fill us with. It was the perfect way to end the day. 

What really gets to me is how God already knew that was what i needed. He knew I needed an early morning one on one, a slow but productive morning, stars and old memories to sooth a stressed out and anxious college senior. I am consistent, in my failing to trust Him, countless unkept promises of daily quiet times, & in taking 3+ years to read the Bible in a year. But my God is consistently meeting me where I'm at,  teaching me how to love others, and answering even the prayers I am too scared to pray. 

 

you're right, this isn't a morning picture.