grown up life

In high school, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and start my own life. Now 5 years later, I wish I could be 10 again. In post college life, i find myself wanting nothing more than months at home, family dinners, long hikes in the open space, and chats about life over coffee. The longer I am away from my family, the more I appreciate and cherish them.

 I think its the fact that this wont happen again that makes me crave it so. while being a grown up is fun and exciting, and i like working (sometimes) the indefinence of it is terrifying. Every stage in life before this had a definite end, a graduation date. As an adult there is no graduation date. No finish line to run towards. No semesters with breaks, no canceled classes and days off just because. The permanence of it is actually quite terrifying. This part of my life that I have looked forward to for so many years is now daunting. 

I was always told that it is college where you find yourself and become who you really are supposed to be. Now looking back I disagree. In college you are a student. Your identity is handed to you along with your major and your classes. You have almost instant friends and you live with too many people and stay up way to late. While I did mature in college, I didn't have to identify myself as anything other than a student. 

Now, I am forced to find an identity outside of education, away from instant friends, and far away from home.  I think more than ever I have been learning to cling to the teachings i learned working for Sonshine Ministries. "do not cling to a job, or identity, cling to the person of Christ" When everything else in my life is chaotic and confusing I know just one thing to be constant. Christ.  While I don't know how long each of  these undefined phases of my life will last, I do know that God has equipped me to be an adult and that he will remain the constant peace in this ever changing life.