when you lose your badge of busy-ness

I'm not sure about you, but I had my go-to phrase nailed down. The last 3 years, anytime I was asked "how are you" my immediate response was easy, rehearsed. "Really busy, but doing good." Didn't matter if I was over the moon stoked on life or wanting to cry because I hadn't had time to sit in 3 days, I was busy but good. I was busy by choice, and busy by addiction. If I had more than one night a week that I was home before 9 I would feel guilty, like I wasn't being the best leader, person, servant I could be. I wasn't committed to anything bad, I was doing some great, meaningful things. It was the addiction to having things to do that I'm realizing isn't so good.. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who has this addiction. Whether it's social media and the hundreds of "friends" who are letting us know how busy they are. Or the fact that every conversation has to do with how busy you are, or how it takes weeks to find a free night to meet a dear friend for dinner. This is just the way life is, at least where I'm from.

Six weeks ago my life got packed up into a big-ole-van. I said goodbye to the my people, and left California to drive to Texas with Bevs. I could totally lie and say that life is busy here, and that I've been busy being a wife and busy looking for a job (found one, thanks God) or I could be honest. Admit I've never been less busy. I've never had more time on my hands. I've never had days on end with literally nowhere to be and not a meeting in sight. I have been the polar opposite of my old self.

I've been learning that for me, busy-ness was a pride thing as much as it was an addiction. I wanted other people to look at me and think I was important. I didn't want to say no to anything because I wanted to be reliable. I wanted to get everything done, even if that meant I missed out on a good conversation, or was barely awake enough to lead my small group girls.  The past six weeks have been some of the toughest. Not because sitting on the couch watching Netflix while applying to jobs is difficult. But losing that thing that I held on so tightly to was hard.


If I was offered the busy life again, right now, I'm not sure I could say no. But what I'm hoping is that with a little more time, I will begin to not only learn the importance of rest, but appreciate it. I hope that I will learn to say yes to fewer things and no to pretty good things so that I have time to invest in the great things. I hope that I wont be embarrassed whenI don't have anything important to do or anywhere to be. I hope that as I begin to build a life in a new city, I take time and prayer to thoughtfully choose where to put my time. Being busy isn't always something we have control over, but being addicted to it, thats something that can be changed. They say the first step on the path to recovery is admitting you have an addiction, so I would suppose I am officially on the road.

what being inclusive looks like today

a long time ago, i wrote a blog post about what i like most in friends. i talked about being inclusive, and inquisitive. [i'm sure half the reason was because i liked the alliteration] anyways, i was thinking about those two things the other day, and realized how spot on those traits describe my feyonce-fiance.

he has been in the middle of a crazy hectic month of exams and group projects. he had a giant test that he had been studying for all weekend. this week he texted me saying " woo.WE got a 95% on OUR exam!!" pretty sure i live 3 states away, know 0% about finance, and was of absolutely no help to him in studying for this test...its 99% more likely i was more of a distraction texting him wedding centerpiece picture ideas while he was studying.  im also pretty sure he knows that too. but he always shares the victories with me anyways. from the day he called me to let me know that WE had gotten into our first med school, to the day he called to let me know WE had gotten into the the med school of OUR (mostly his) dreams. i remember being nervous, at the beginning of this journey together, that i would feel as though my contributions weren't as important as his (because he's gonna be a doctor and like, fix people). but from the beginning, he has always been the first to make me feel like my little joys were a reason to celebrate and always made me feel like his academic journey is ours to share.

i never really pictured myself being in a long distance engagement,(lets be honest who does?) with a duel degree school fanatic. [when i cared more about outfit planning than note taking in my college years ] but here i am. && it goes to show that my plans and ideas aren't nearly as cool and sweet as Gods. being far away from my favorite human is tough, (obvi) but it's those little moments of shared joy over aced tests and phone calls where you can't stop laughing that i am reminded that its so worth it. sorry for embarrassing you bevs. [not that you'll see this anytime soon] 

prayer & power

this weekend, i was on our regional leadership retreat.
500 + leaders from southern california in one camp, learning, praying & playing.

normally the weekend is super YL focused, makes sense right?
i leave with new thoughts about my club or about getting students to camp, or about being a leader.

this time, it was different, and it was SO good.

our speaker talked to us about following Jesus, and praying big things, and focusing on who we are in Christ rather than who we are in YL. because people, the goal is so much bigger than club, and camp, and campaigners, as good as those things are. the goal is Christ && getting students in front of HIM.

some of my favorite tidbits.

"what if prayer doesnt just prepare you for the great work, what if prayer IS the great work"

so often we see prayer as something that we do in order to do more. it equips us to go and live, but it isnt really the end product. what if we started looking at prayer as the main goal, the biggest and most powerful thing we have on earth, the greatest thing we can do for our friends, coworkers and families.  >>> this isnt to say you never have to leave your house any more and actually do some work, but if you look at prayer as the great work, perhaps prayer will be come a bigger priority. <<<

another quote i liked, restated in a more understable wordige:

 "dont start talking to your friends about Jesus until you have talked to Jesus about your friends"

praying before acting.  lastly, we were asked,

"if everything you are praying for now, happened, what would happen?"

this got me thinking, am i praying for things that will make a difference in my community, my city, & my people's lives? would any one notice if all my prayers were answered? or am i praying for small unnoticeable things, to scared to submit my big requests to God. lets pray for big things, lets pray for noticable things (and the small things too!) because we have a God  "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" [Eph. 3:20]

heres a picture my friend jess took, in the sweetest tiny chapel we stumbled upon. the door was wide open, inviting us to look around. wish there more a these in the city!

until next time, or my next YL weekend.. jk

#YLsanoLC2015

eeee its been a long time. (not that many of you read this anyways)
but hey, this is for me and my processing.

of course i am back to writing because i just got back from YL camp.
post camp processing is a must.
this year is no different.
no young life trip seems to be complete without some sort of chaos.
this time, it was our bus.
imagine, 47 students and leaders in a bus, driving to camp.
we are excited. us leaders have been getting these kids to sign up for 8 months now.
we have promised them the best week of their lives.
after our first stop in barstow, the door wont seal.
the driver and my awesome leader, sam, finally fix it after an hour, and then climb through the window.
then the bus proceeds to lose it "turbo" whatever that means.
to me, it means going 4MPH-15MPH on any slight uphill.
our 8 hour ride became 13 quickly.
the air conditioning stopped working while going through the AZ desert.
think sweaty students, crammed in a slow bus.
but hey, we survived.
the students got a standing ovation as thye walked into club.
everyone still had the best week of their lives.
us leaders all still got dunked in the dunk tank, and pied in the face.
messy games were still messy.
sin was still discussed.
students talked to God.
6 of our high schoolers, and a handful of our capernaum friends started a relationship with Jesus.
so really, a bad bus doesn't ruin a week.
i think, that God wouldn't let anything ruin that week.
not my fears of finances coming through, or arguments between students, or misunderstandings of talks, or family backgrounds, or missing health forms.
God protected this week.
God met us in that sweaty bus and kept our spirits high.
God gave us the answers to our students questions.
God sought after those students, and loved them so well.
I feel pretty old theses days, because i think i am still tired from our trip.
but at the same time, I am feeling more encouraged and excited than ever before.

thanks, friends.
for the prayers a lot of you prayed.
you rock.

running

if you asked me to think about the time i felt most free in my whole life. i could tell you the exact moment.

i was 16 and had left my house to go for a run. i even remember the exact street i was running down. in my life at that time, i was not so free. i felt very stuck, very fearful, and unsure of who i was. i was holding on to  an unhealthy relationship and searching for the courage to walk away. well as i started running. i remember feeling my heart want to burst out of chest, in the best way possible. in that moment i felt the most confidence i had ever felt. i knew for a fact that what God was calling me to good stuff, that He was for me. that every promise he made was in fact being kept.

those over the moon, set your heart on fire moments don't happen too often. but this week i left to go for a run and had that same excitement i had over 6 years ago. you see, the thing i struggle with the most being a human, is not being able to predict the future. i love planning: my days, my weeks, my years...my whole dang life. but i have been learning this year, sometimes its okay to only know what im doing for the next hour. running this week, i felt peace about my lack of knowledge, about simply thinking about putting one foot in front of the other. since God makes everything exactly how He wants it, im sure that He made a planner. but he also made me dependent on Him.

you see running is more than a way to exercise. its a way to calm my soul. release fears, and talk with God. or sometimes vent. depends on the day. but either way, its freedom to me.

pancakes & peace

"& the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds.."

this weekend i got a taste of what this well quoted verse actually feels like. 

i was leading a high school winter trip to big bear, and everything that could go wrong in the week leading up to it, did. from canceled sign ups to sick leaders, not enough seats in cars, actually being locked out of the cabin, in 28 degree weather, in the dark. yeah that happened too. 

the whole trip was stretching me, physically, mentally, spiritually. 

after the laundry list of chaos, there was this moment, Sunday morning. 

i had woken up before every one else to start cooking breakfast. i looked a mess, complete with flour on my face and clothes. i was so tired. i was drinking cold coffee from the night before. dirty dishes from dinner were in the sink, and i didn't even have a measuring cup to make pancakes with, so i was guessing. 

i felt in the midst of that moment two things. 

1. i felt like a mom of 11. (please Jesus, i want to be a mom, but not of 11)

2. like i was actually on YL staff, and that it wasn't because i was extra talented, or good, or organized, but it was because God was with me, helping me, and picked me to have this role right now. not because someone else wasn't capable, but because He has stuff to teach me through this season.

in that moment it didn't matter that i was an exhausted mess of a leader, or that the cabin was a disaster, and kids were sleeping way later than i had planned, or that we were out of paper plates and were going to eat pancakes off of napkins and bowls. in that moment i felt at peace. God was with me, and while I had the title of trip leader, it wasn't really me leading it. in the midst of all the little things that went wrong, God was teaching me so much, and my students, He was teaching them too. i had peace that all the problems i had made huge in my head, were just little things, and that the important stuff, was in God's hands. & best of all he Protected each and every student, and all of us made it home!

when we got back on Monday, i was in recovery mode, and a couple of the students asked me: can we go back next weekend? ha. i also learned in that moment students don't need a perfect trip to have tons of fun. 

grown up life

In high school, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and start my own life. Now 5 years later, I wish I could be 10 again. In post college life, i find myself wanting nothing more than months at home, family dinners, long hikes in the open space, and chats about life over coffee. The longer I am away from my family, the more I appreciate and cherish them.

 I think its the fact that this wont happen again that makes me crave it so. while being a grown up is fun and exciting, and i like working (sometimes) the indefinence of it is terrifying. Every stage in life before this had a definite end, a graduation date. As an adult there is no graduation date. No finish line to run towards. No semesters with breaks, no canceled classes and days off just because. The permanence of it is actually quite terrifying. This part of my life that I have looked forward to for so many years is now daunting. 

I was always told that it is college where you find yourself and become who you really are supposed to be. Now looking back I disagree. In college you are a student. Your identity is handed to you along with your major and your classes. You have almost instant friends and you live with too many people and stay up way to late. While I did mature in college, I didn't have to identify myself as anything other than a student. 

Now, I am forced to find an identity outside of education, away from instant friends, and far away from home.  I think more than ever I have been learning to cling to the teachings i learned working for Sonshine Ministries. "do not cling to a job, or identity, cling to the person of Christ" When everything else in my life is chaotic and confusing I know just one thing to be constant. Christ.  While I don't know how long each of  these undefined phases of my life will last, I do know that God has equipped me to be an adult and that he will remain the constant peace in this ever changing life. 

Fall

<<<
for this first time in my life, i didnt start school this fall.

its a little surreal, seeing pictures of friend starting classes and actually having left that stage of life. 

this year, fall still brings about a fresh start, but a different sort.

this year, fall is marked by team meetings, program planning, staff retreats, and calendar syncing. 

i love new beginnings and fresh starts.

kick off club for young life, ministry fairs at churches. 

any opportunity to begin again and try out something new excites me. 

this fall myself and my leadership team at Mira Mesa High School Young Life have started praying over a new idea for our Young Life club.

we are hoping to solve some of our logistical problems (such as lack of student transportation and sports schedules) and move club on campus during lunch. 

i am giddy just thinking about it, the amount of students we could meet and get connected too would be huge.

building relationships with teachers and administration would be much easier as well, because in Young Life the ministry doesn't stop at high school students. our goal is to reach the whole community. 

i would ask that you pray for this season of ours, for open doors, and open minds from the school.

pray for curious students with open hearts, for renewed and energized leaders with wisdom to lead.

thanks for walking alongside me in this season. 

blessings
>>>

epidemic of business

I've learned the last six months, that more now than ever, we as humans, and especially as Christians are obsessed with being busy. We believe that comparison is a thief of joy, yes. and so we don't compare our looks as much as the world does, or compare our clothes, and worldly things and salaries. But what we do compare is schedules. If you are not exhausted, strung out on 5 cups of coffee, and so involved your calender looks like a tornado of commitments, you are doing something wrong. You have to be in a life group, a community group, a church group, and outreach group and that's just your extra curricular activities. Most people who work in some sort of ministry describe their lives as crazy, and chaotic. We try and plan a night to have dinner and catch up and we have to sched it 6 weeks out.
I found my self feeling guilty when I got home after a an 11 hour day instead of the usual 13-14 and actually had time to veg out.  At my staff retreat last week, someone outside of Young Life came and spoke. He taught us about rest, told us to take a nap and spend some time walking slow and praying. What an idea! I think he knew that most of us hadn't slept a full night in weeks, and that tiredness was a commonalty. I have found myself becoming tired of being tired. & while I am told this is what is to expect, as an adult. I don't want that to be the case. I don't want my whole life to be a race, collapsing at the end of each day so spent I barley had time to enjoy it.I no longer want to be refereed to by friends as that girl who never has time to hang out because shes so busy. I want to enjoy the blessing in my life. Spend time catching up with friends, eating good food, and hiking.
I think that being busy is a pride issue more than anything. If i feel like i need to be doing stuff all day long in order for good to be done, than i am ignoring the fact that I serve the God of the universe who is the real creator of good things. He can do awesome things with zero help from me.  Its amazing that God chooses to use us little humans to help him do great things, but when we begin to rely on ourselves and less on God that's when we begin to hit walls. A mentor shared with me that wisdom is not knowing what you could do, but doing what you should. & knowing the difference. I think my new plan of action is to swallow my pride, and think less about what i can do more. and think more of what God can do. Spend more time praying and less time stressing. Skip out on unnecessary things. Simply be still. 

Trust Exercises

The end of Senior Year has brought about many different emotions, a lot of which I have never felt before. If you too are graduating, you may be right there with me.  The last year has been filled with faculty, adults, even family asking me what I am doing after graduation, will I be able to support myself, what is the longevity of your choice? All done in love, and out of concern for my well being I'm sure. But that doesn't make the questions any less stressful.  I made the choice to go into ministry upon graduation, last August, and now, just one month away from the big day. I can answer no more of the questions than I could 10 months ago. 

Will I be able to live off this- likely no, that's why people have two jobs. 

Is there longevity- I'm not sure. -  I hope so! 

Am I sure this is the best option for me? - In what way? God called me to it, so Gods plan wins. Always. 

I have found myself trapped in this swirling headache trying to figure out my life. Was going into ministry worth this headache? 

In the midst of this headache I still say Yes. one hundred times yes. 

I sat down, completely discouraged tonight and started praying. For answers, for encouragement, for reassurance that God had me where He wanted me. 

It was almost as if God was waiting for me tonight. He knew I was going to finally stop stressing for 3 minutes and actually talk to him about this.  The verses "I have made you, I will sustain you...For man does not live on bread alone..." Came to mind.  I felt the whisper of "When have I ever forsaken you, child?" speak to my heart.  I love these moments, where God nurtures my heart and answers my fears with his kindness. I spoke about the Resurrection at Young Life tonight and how it renews our lives, and can attest that Christ renews my spirit daily. 

With 24 days until graduation-  I don't have it figured out. & yes the very human me is nervous about what is to come. However, I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that my God is with me, and fills me up daily with His love. I think God knew I didn't have time to work out this month, so he gave me the kind of exercise I can fit into my schedule whether I like it or not: trust exercises. 

Confidence & Peace

This year God has taught me there is a difference between confidence and peace in my decisions. 

I had always searched for peace when making decisions. When I felt at peace I would make that decision. Only then was I confident that God had led me to the decision.  This year God changed me to first be confident in Him and the fact that His plan is always the best for my life. I may not have peace about it, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. 

I was confident God wanted me to quit my job at the front desk, but I was scared and nervous so I delayed the inevitable. God called me to go on staff for YoungLife, but it was out of my comfort zone. The common feeling in both of these changes? Confidence. I knew it was God that had put these things on my heart. Not my own choices, but instead God's. My human fear postponed peace, but God challenged me to follow through with faith. 

Often, the most peaceful decision is easy and you want that to happen. But the harder thing that God is calling you to do may involve taking a leap of faith and trusting him with something huge. And I don't know about you, but I don't feel peace instantly about that. (I wish I did) I feel lots of peace and comfort about staying in bed and drinking coffee, watching Netflix and pinning clothes I cant afford all morning; that doesn't make that the right decision. I am much more confident that even though it is tough some days, God is calling me to more. 

God has shifted my thinking to first search for His sovereign and perfect will: to be confident in my Saviors path for my life. Then to pray for the blessing of peace.  That's right, peace is a blessing, not a right! In both my decisions I have first been challenged and shortly after blessed by a peace that surpasses all understating. 

early morning meeting.

I spent the weekend tucked away in the smallest little corner of San Diego. 

Nestled in-between some farm pastures and a dirt road, in a little cluster of cabins that I am beginning to build more memories with.  

This weekend was my area leader retreat. 

A time to re focus ourselves, plan away the spring semester and worship together. 

I left southern San Diego tired, not quite feeling myself. 

As I set myself up in my cabin, shared with 10 other girls friday night, my body ached for a good nights rest.  I felt God whispering to me, inviting me to instead wake up early and meet him...

Its mornings like these that bring me back to some of the best weeks of my life, serving Jesus on a Houseboat on Lake Shasta. God always seemed so near when I was on the water, and truthfully, I know he always is, but there is something so peace filled and encouraging about meeting God in the morning.  I wrote in my journal "I know your mercies are new each morning, so maybe its a bright shiny new mercy awaiting my heart, not yet tainted by the noise of a busy day, refreshing my faith. Yes this is worth it."  That day was filled with the most productive planning meeting, coupled with hours of laying in the grass while a sweet ten month old boy napped on my shoulder. 

At the end of the day, the whole team hiked up a hill and looked up at the starry night. I think it's impossible for me to look at the stars and not think of Jesus. How he placed them there, knowing how much wonder they would fill us with. It was the perfect way to end the day. 

What really gets to me is how God already knew that was what i needed. He knew I needed an early morning one on one, a slow but productive morning, stars and old memories to sooth a stressed out and anxious college senior. I am consistent, in my failing to trust Him, countless unkept promises of daily quiet times, & in taking 3+ years to read the Bible in a year. But my God is consistently meeting me where I'm at,  teaching me how to love others, and answering even the prayers I am too scared to pray. 

 

you're right, this isn't a morning picture. 

If you know me then you know...

If you have spent time with me in the year two-thousand-thirteen then you probably know this is my year of prayer. 

I mean every year is, but this year changed the way I pray.

I've learned how hilarious God is, and have decided to start sharing the funny and also the serious ways God shows up in my life.  This is not me saying that God has answered every prayer I pray with YES.  I have become accustomed  to lots of no's and even more of "this is better", however in general I have found that God loves to make me laugh, and surprise me with little blessings. He also has showed me that he truly is in control of everything. I have a strong feeling he definitely has been doing this for all of eternity but I just started noticing!  Maybe these silly anectdotes will encourage you to pray for all those little things you may have thought didn't matter, maybe instead you will begin to think I'm a crazy person. Either way I'm excited about this, and God, so I can't help but share.

1. God is in control of parking meters:

This week I was on my way to a grown up networking party. I didn't look at the address before showing up at a hotel, and miraculously I ended up at the right hotel, but at the wrong tower, typical San Diego hotel, two towers. So I leave the first parking lot, to go to the next, annoyed because now I'm going to have to pay twice for parking.  So I am at the pay machine and I pray that I don't have to pay for parking, the meter reads zero and the gate goes up. Well thanks God, that was kinda awesome. 

stuff.

I think I like the feeling of being stressed,

I find myself looking at my planner and adding "stuff" just to make myself feel more accomplished.

Looking at the thing just stresses me out more, but its kind of like a jolt of adrenaline. 

I look at a "slow month" and feel unsatisfied.

WHY

I sound like a crazy person.

Who measures their worth by appointments, and events and stuff.

humans. people. me, mostly.

What is God concerned with?

Not my meeting schedule. Thats for sure.

A wise lady once shared with me the way i should look at the "things" in my life.

She told me if the activity I am doing (work, volunteer, clubs ect) is not directly going to benefit my goals for the future, and also bring joy to my life, then I should drop it.

I actually quit my previous job the day after she shared that with me.

#whoops 

So why do I keep doing everything, in an attempt to spin 10 plates perfectly?

What prize is there for being the most overcommitted 21 year old?

No prize! and the reality is I am no where near wining.

There is a huge list of those crazier than me, I know this because I am surrounded by them in my classes. 

So where do I go from here?

R E S T

This week my goal is to rest.

Spend time sitting, with Jesus, soaking in his goodness and maybe chatting with him about what he wants me to cut from my crazy planner. I'm sure he has some good ideas. 

Always does!

N e w Y o r k C i t y

N e w Y o r k

This last week I had the fabulous opportunity to visit NYC. My friend Bri and I helped a professor of ours coordinate this trip, everything from the rooms and flights to itineraries. 

Right now, I am sitting still for the first time in five days, flying over the country. 

That being said it's time for some reflection on what I have learned this weekend. 

1 . It takes a long time do anything. Here in Cali, we want to go to the store we drive a mile and grab our food. In new york, it means walking blocks or taking the subway and only getting enough food that you can carry it by yourself back home.  I would make the assumption Costco isn’t a big hit in new york city,

2.  Less is more.  City folks have mastered the art of living with less, less space, less storage. I complain about my apartment being small when I couldn’t afford a room the size of my closet in NYC.

3.  New Yorkers are very kind people, despite the way they are sometimes portrayed in tv and movies. I cant remember how many people I asked for directions, about 50 likely. And all of them were more than Happy to help a lost girl find her way in the city.

4. Central park is not a park but a city in itself. I could have spent 2 days wandering in the beauty. 

5. There is such thing as grade B restaurants. And people eat at them. I don’t think I'm ready for that venture quite yet. 

6. Art is everywhere and they have a good appreciation for it. There are local artists paintings in stores, buildings, street corners. There are performers on every block and every subway train. They are phenomenal too, and willing to go hungry in order to pursue their passion.

7. The pizza really is as good as they say.

8. It truly is the city that never sleeps. If you are hungry in SD after 9, you have Jack in the box. In New York, dinner is just beginning.

While I'm not sure I could ever make a life for myself out there, I love slow mornings and long runs way to much. New york did find a way into my heart. The excitement of walking down 5^th avenue to times square is incomparable. The amount of history in such a small space is unlike any city in north America.  I know one thing for sure, I will be back. xoxo

Follower-Ship

I remember earlier this summer when I was at Young Life camp, I thought to myself how I would make a great YoungLife wife. I love the lifestyle, I would be great at supporting a guy living out Gods call for his life through high school ministry and I would love to raise my future children in this kind of a household. God must have been giggling at me as I dreamed up my silly little future plans. I picture him thinking: "oh girl, you don't even know what I have planned" 

Push comes to shove and my perfect little plan that I had for my personal life, staying at the hotel, working hard, getting promoted, being successful in this industry I have studied for the last four years was coming to halt. What once has been fun and desirable now felt like an exhausting and soul sucking future. I still continued to work hard because this was the easiest way for me to support myself when I graduate in 8 months. (yikes) However I felt God beginning to tug at my heart strings. It was a slow pull. First I started wondering how I could find a career that would allow me to continue volunteering. Thinking about what position in a hotel would let me have weeks off for summer camp, nights off for club and Bible study. That's a joke. I knew I wasn't suppose to give up this part of my life though. 

When I am with my high schoolers, or with my leadership team, or praying about those things, I feel that my life is purposeful. That I am living inside of Gods desire for my life. That being said I am sure you can guess where God has led me. Sometime in between Summer Camp, and The beginning of school God put a different future in my heart so strongly that I couldn't bear to run away this time. I had always thought that in order to lead ministry one has to be perfect and poised, well spoken and outgoing. I am none of those things, I am goofy, my words never come out right and my shyness always beats out the outgoing bursts within me.  What God is teaching me now however, is that God hasn't called me to a leadership role, he has called me to a follower-ship role. A role where I am going to have to fully devote my life to following Christ and through that, there's a chance others may want to follow God too. I can't think of a time in my life where I have been more terrified and excited at the same time I have no idea what the future looks like now, but I cant wait to see how God writes this story. 

Backwards.

Seldom does one think, in the middle of a huge moment, that it will define your life.

Those periods of your life that grow you, shape you and effect the way you look at life often are noticed after the fact. 

I just had one of those moments, well a series of moments.

This summer changed me.

The way I think about prayer, and life and about trust.

Earlier this year I began to shift my prayer life, taking God out of the small, well kept box I placed him and allowed Him to be big, powerful and real in my life.

I came to God with requests, fears and praises, and watched him reveal just how good He truly is. God has provided a dream job in my future, blessed friendships and fun memories,

My job as a front desk agent taught me to stand up for myself, gave me a backbone.

I learned how to not take rude remarks personally, and I learned to have enough confidence to stand up for myself and solve the issue on my own.

I moved into an apartment with just one roommate, my best friend Bri. The idea of a quiet house was a joke that last two years and now peacefulness overflows from those small walls.

I spent a week in Arizona at Lost Canyon with 12 of the most incredible girls. We cried, laughed and grew in countless ways. God taught me so much through those girls. 

I let down some serious walls that I had hid behind for many years. Finally letting myself trust others fully and be vulnerable with how I feel.

I never would have guessed back in May that God would use the most ordinary summer to develope me in such huge ways, but I am thankful that my God is extraordinary enough to use monotony to change my life. 

Juggling.

I remember the summer days of biking to the ice cream store.
Laying out at the pool and jumping off the diving board.
House boating trips and lots of sleepovers.
it seems like just yesterday.
Now nearly two months of my last summer ever has flew by.
This hit my yesterday.
I havent had time to enjoy even a little bit of it.
Oh the tragedy that is an overcommitted student.
I am seeing more and more how in every part of my life I am spread to thin.
In my perfect world I would work 2 days a week.
Go for long long runs.
Spend time with my younglife students.
Go surfing a couple times a week.
Invest in my sumer classes.
Invest in relationships.
Instead, I am working.
40+ hours a week.
For What?
This week, I am feeling more overwhelmed than I have in months.
Perhaps all year.
Someone told me yesterday that If you can do everything in your life with out clinging to Jesus then you are doing something wrong.
Well here it is. I can't do this without God.
I am being pushed to commit every ounce of my self to trusting God.
"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I"
God is the only one who can multiply hours.
&& Encourage my heart.
My prayer is that God would continue to give me Joy, when I feel chaotic.
That he would teach me to rest.
Allow me time to invest in others.
Find new meaning in tedious tasks.
&& Continue pushing me towards a Him.

When God Makes Me Laugh

I've already mentioned before how hilarious God is right?
well this week is no different.
this week, I prayed for humility.
just as a side note, when you pray for a character trait, God doesn't magically have it appear, he tends to give you a chance to develop it. I used to pray for patience a lot, and God gave me SO many opportunities to be patient, that half of me wanted to never pray for patience again, and the other half thought I may actually be patience. It was a tie.
anyways, This time I prayed for humility.
I have been working for about 6 weeks now and am starting to understand my job- FINALLY!
I didn't want to get over confident because that prevents learning.
I also wanted to be sure that I was loving on others and acting in full respect and sometimes too much knowledge puffs up a persons, my, head.
That all being said I prayed for humility and the opportunity to keep learning and loving on my new work friends, without any pride getting in the way.
The next day, for the first time in my career history, I didn't double check my schedule time.
The one time I didn't double check, I thought I was scheduled at 3:30.
I was actually scheduled for 3.
30 minutes is a HUGE error in hotels.
All that confidence and knowledge I was feeling,
definitely just got knocked down a level.
Thanks for the humility God, much appreciated.
Here I go back to neurotically checking the schedule every day.
God really is funny.

prayer.

Prayer is powerful.
I am so confident that God hears my prayers, and yours.
Yet still each time a large prayer is answered, I still am incredible amazed.
or maybe its more like in awe of how good God is.
This very morning I was praying for a way to see my family.
I work a lot, and there is little time for days off in a hotel.
my exact words this morning were
"Lord I pray you would allow for me to see my family next week, I pray for consecutive days off work"
That same afternoon my manager comes up and asks me "allie, do you want consecutive days off next week"
Is this real life?
Sometimes I think God is just looking down on me and giggling as I am continually amazed at his goodness.
Of course God can give me days off,
He is God over my work, over all managers over everything.
This isn't the first time God has answered my prayers using the exact same words I prayed them in.
God is good.
He is silly.
He is powerful.
I am especially thankful today.
San Fran here I come!