#YLsanoLC2015

eeee its been a long time. (not that many of you read this anyways)
but hey, this is for me and my processing.

of course i am back to writing because i just got back from YL camp.
post camp processing is a must.
this year is no different.
no young life trip seems to be complete without some sort of chaos.
this time, it was our bus.
imagine, 47 students and leaders in a bus, driving to camp.
we are excited. us leaders have been getting these kids to sign up for 8 months now.
we have promised them the best week of their lives.
after our first stop in barstow, the door wont seal.
the driver and my awesome leader, sam, finally fix it after an hour, and then climb through the window.
then the bus proceeds to lose it "turbo" whatever that means.
to me, it means going 4MPH-15MPH on any slight uphill.
our 8 hour ride became 13 quickly.
the air conditioning stopped working while going through the AZ desert.
think sweaty students, crammed in a slow bus.
but hey, we survived.
the students got a standing ovation as thye walked into club.
everyone still had the best week of their lives.
us leaders all still got dunked in the dunk tank, and pied in the face.
messy games were still messy.
sin was still discussed.
students talked to God.
6 of our high schoolers, and a handful of our capernaum friends started a relationship with Jesus.
so really, a bad bus doesn't ruin a week.
i think, that God wouldn't let anything ruin that week.
not my fears of finances coming through, or arguments between students, or misunderstandings of talks, or family backgrounds, or missing health forms.
God protected this week.
God met us in that sweaty bus and kept our spirits high.
God gave us the answers to our students questions.
God sought after those students, and loved them so well.
I feel pretty old theses days, because i think i am still tired from our trip.
but at the same time, I am feeling more encouraged and excited than ever before.

thanks, friends.
for the prayers a lot of you prayed.
you rock.

running

if you asked me to think about the time i felt most free in my whole life. i could tell you the exact moment.

i was 16 and had left my house to go for a run. i even remember the exact street i was running down. in my life at that time, i was not so free. i felt very stuck, very fearful, and unsure of who i was. i was holding on to  an unhealthy relationship and searching for the courage to walk away. well as i started running. i remember feeling my heart want to burst out of chest, in the best way possible. in that moment i felt the most confidence i had ever felt. i knew for a fact that what God was calling me to good stuff, that He was for me. that every promise he made was in fact being kept.

those over the moon, set your heart on fire moments don't happen too often. but this week i left to go for a run and had that same excitement i had over 6 years ago. you see, the thing i struggle with the most being a human, is not being able to predict the future. i love planning: my days, my weeks, my years...my whole dang life. but i have been learning this year, sometimes its okay to only know what im doing for the next hour. running this week, i felt peace about my lack of knowledge, about simply thinking about putting one foot in front of the other. since God makes everything exactly how He wants it, im sure that He made a planner. but he also made me dependent on Him.

you see running is more than a way to exercise. its a way to calm my soul. release fears, and talk with God. or sometimes vent. depends on the day. but either way, its freedom to me.

pancakes & peace

"& the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds.."

this weekend i got a taste of what this well quoted verse actually feels like. 

i was leading a high school winter trip to big bear, and everything that could go wrong in the week leading up to it, did. from canceled sign ups to sick leaders, not enough seats in cars, actually being locked out of the cabin, in 28 degree weather, in the dark. yeah that happened too. 

the whole trip was stretching me, physically, mentally, spiritually. 

after the laundry list of chaos, there was this moment, Sunday morning. 

i had woken up before every one else to start cooking breakfast. i looked a mess, complete with flour on my face and clothes. i was so tired. i was drinking cold coffee from the night before. dirty dishes from dinner were in the sink, and i didn't even have a measuring cup to make pancakes with, so i was guessing. 

i felt in the midst of that moment two things. 

1. i felt like a mom of 11. (please Jesus, i want to be a mom, but not of 11)

2. like i was actually on YL staff, and that it wasn't because i was extra talented, or good, or organized, but it was because God was with me, helping me, and picked me to have this role right now. not because someone else wasn't capable, but because He has stuff to teach me through this season.

in that moment it didn't matter that i was an exhausted mess of a leader, or that the cabin was a disaster, and kids were sleeping way later than i had planned, or that we were out of paper plates and were going to eat pancakes off of napkins and bowls. in that moment i felt at peace. God was with me, and while I had the title of trip leader, it wasn't really me leading it. in the midst of all the little things that went wrong, God was teaching me so much, and my students, He was teaching them too. i had peace that all the problems i had made huge in my head, were just little things, and that the important stuff, was in God's hands. & best of all he Protected each and every student, and all of us made it home!

when we got back on Monday, i was in recovery mode, and a couple of the students asked me: can we go back next weekend? ha. i also learned in that moment students don't need a perfect trip to have tons of fun. 

grown up life

In high school, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and start my own life. Now 5 years later, I wish I could be 10 again. In post college life, i find myself wanting nothing more than months at home, family dinners, long hikes in the open space, and chats about life over coffee. The longer I am away from my family, the more I appreciate and cherish them.

 I think its the fact that this wont happen again that makes me crave it so. while being a grown up is fun and exciting, and i like working (sometimes) the indefinence of it is terrifying. Every stage in life before this had a definite end, a graduation date. As an adult there is no graduation date. No finish line to run towards. No semesters with breaks, no canceled classes and days off just because. The permanence of it is actually quite terrifying. This part of my life that I have looked forward to for so many years is now daunting. 

I was always told that it is college where you find yourself and become who you really are supposed to be. Now looking back I disagree. In college you are a student. Your identity is handed to you along with your major and your classes. You have almost instant friends and you live with too many people and stay up way to late. While I did mature in college, I didn't have to identify myself as anything other than a student. 

Now, I am forced to find an identity outside of education, away from instant friends, and far away from home.  I think more than ever I have been learning to cling to the teachings i learned working for Sonshine Ministries. "do not cling to a job, or identity, cling to the person of Christ" When everything else in my life is chaotic and confusing I know just one thing to be constant. Christ.  While I don't know how long each of  these undefined phases of my life will last, I do know that God has equipped me to be an adult and that he will remain the constant peace in this ever changing life. 

Fall

<<<
for this first time in my life, i didnt start school this fall.

its a little surreal, seeing pictures of friend starting classes and actually having left that stage of life. 

this year, fall still brings about a fresh start, but a different sort.

this year, fall is marked by team meetings, program planning, staff retreats, and calendar syncing. 

i love new beginnings and fresh starts.

kick off club for young life, ministry fairs at churches. 

any opportunity to begin again and try out something new excites me. 

this fall myself and my leadership team at Mira Mesa High School Young Life have started praying over a new idea for our Young Life club.

we are hoping to solve some of our logistical problems (such as lack of student transportation and sports schedules) and move club on campus during lunch. 

i am giddy just thinking about it, the amount of students we could meet and get connected too would be huge.

building relationships with teachers and administration would be much easier as well, because in Young Life the ministry doesn't stop at high school students. our goal is to reach the whole community. 

i would ask that you pray for this season of ours, for open doors, and open minds from the school.

pray for curious students with open hearts, for renewed and energized leaders with wisdom to lead.

thanks for walking alongside me in this season. 

blessings
>>>

epidemic of business

I've learned the last six months, that more now than ever, we as humans, and especially as Christians are obsessed with being busy. We believe that comparison is a thief of joy, yes. and so we don't compare our looks as much as the world does, or compare our clothes, and worldly things and salaries. But what we do compare is schedules. If you are not exhausted, strung out on 5 cups of coffee, and so involved your calender looks like a tornado of commitments, you are doing something wrong. You have to be in a life group, a community group, a church group, and outreach group and that's just your extra curricular activities. Most people who work in some sort of ministry describe their lives as crazy, and chaotic. We try and plan a night to have dinner and catch up and we have to sched it 6 weeks out.
I found my self feeling guilty when I got home after a an 11 hour day instead of the usual 13-14 and actually had time to veg out.  At my staff retreat last week, someone outside of Young Life came and spoke. He taught us about rest, told us to take a nap and spend some time walking slow and praying. What an idea! I think he knew that most of us hadn't slept a full night in weeks, and that tiredness was a commonalty. I have found myself becoming tired of being tired. & while I am told this is what is to expect, as an adult. I don't want that to be the case. I don't want my whole life to be a race, collapsing at the end of each day so spent I barley had time to enjoy it.I no longer want to be refereed to by friends as that girl who never has time to hang out because shes so busy. I want to enjoy the blessing in my life. Spend time catching up with friends, eating good food, and hiking.
I think that being busy is a pride issue more than anything. If i feel like i need to be doing stuff all day long in order for good to be done, than i am ignoring the fact that I serve the God of the universe who is the real creator of good things. He can do awesome things with zero help from me.  Its amazing that God chooses to use us little humans to help him do great things, but when we begin to rely on ourselves and less on God that's when we begin to hit walls. A mentor shared with me that wisdom is not knowing what you could do, but doing what you should. & knowing the difference. I think my new plan of action is to swallow my pride, and think less about what i can do more. and think more of what God can do. Spend more time praying and less time stressing. Skip out on unnecessary things. Simply be still. 

Trust Exercises

The end of Senior Year has brought about many different emotions, a lot of which I have never felt before. If you too are graduating, you may be right there with me.  The last year has been filled with faculty, adults, even family asking me what I am doing after graduation, will I be able to support myself, what is the longevity of your choice? All done in love, and out of concern for my well being I'm sure. But that doesn't make the questions any less stressful.  I made the choice to go into ministry upon graduation, last August, and now, just one month away from the big day. I can answer no more of the questions than I could 10 months ago. 

Will I be able to live off this- likely no, that's why people have two jobs. 

Is there longevity- I'm not sure. -  I hope so! 

Am I sure this is the best option for me? - In what way? God called me to it, so Gods plan wins. Always. 

I have found myself trapped in this swirling headache trying to figure out my life. Was going into ministry worth this headache? 

In the midst of this headache I still say Yes. one hundred times yes. 

I sat down, completely discouraged tonight and started praying. For answers, for encouragement, for reassurance that God had me where He wanted me. 

It was almost as if God was waiting for me tonight. He knew I was going to finally stop stressing for 3 minutes and actually talk to him about this.  The verses "I have made you, I will sustain you...For man does not live on bread alone..." Came to mind.  I felt the whisper of "When have I ever forsaken you, child?" speak to my heart.  I love these moments, where God nurtures my heart and answers my fears with his kindness. I spoke about the Resurrection at Young Life tonight and how it renews our lives, and can attest that Christ renews my spirit daily. 

With 24 days until graduation-  I don't have it figured out. & yes the very human me is nervous about what is to come. However, I can sleep soundly tonight knowing that my God is with me, and fills me up daily with His love. I think God knew I didn't have time to work out this month, so he gave me the kind of exercise I can fit into my schedule whether I like it or not: trust exercises.