when you lose your badge of busy-ness

I'm not sure about you, but I had my go-to phrase nailed down. The last 3 years, anytime I was asked "how are you" my immediate response was easy, rehearsed. "Really busy, but doing good." Didn't matter if I was over the moon stoked on life or wanting to cry because I hadn't had time to sit in 3 days, I was busy but good. I was busy by choice, and busy by addiction. If I had more than one night a week that I was home before 9 I would feel guilty, like I wasn't being the best leader, person, servant I could be. I wasn't committed to anything bad, I was doing some great, meaningful things. It was the addiction to having things to do that I'm realizing isn't so good.. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who has this addiction. Whether it's social media and the hundreds of "friends" who are letting us know how busy they are. Or the fact that every conversation has to do with how busy you are, or how it takes weeks to find a free night to meet a dear friend for dinner. This is just the way life is, at least where I'm from.

Six weeks ago my life got packed up into a big-ole-van. I said goodbye to the my people, and left California to drive to Texas with Bevs. I could totally lie and say that life is busy here, and that I've been busy being a wife and busy looking for a job (found one, thanks God) or I could be honest. Admit I've never been less busy. I've never had more time on my hands. I've never had days on end with literally nowhere to be and not a meeting in sight. I have been the polar opposite of my old self.

I've been learning that for me, busy-ness was a pride thing as much as it was an addiction. I wanted other people to look at me and think I was important. I didn't want to say no to anything because I wanted to be reliable. I wanted to get everything done, even if that meant I missed out on a good conversation, or was barely awake enough to lead my small group girls.  The past six weeks have been some of the toughest. Not because sitting on the couch watching Netflix while applying to jobs is difficult. But losing that thing that I held on so tightly to was hard.


If I was offered the busy life again, right now, I'm not sure I could say no. But what I'm hoping is that with a little more time, I will begin to not only learn the importance of rest, but appreciate it. I hope that I will learn to say yes to fewer things and no to pretty good things so that I have time to invest in the great things. I hope that I wont be embarrassed whenI don't have anything important to do or anywhere to be. I hope that as I begin to build a life in a new city, I take time and prayer to thoughtfully choose where to put my time. Being busy isn't always something we have control over, but being addicted to it, thats something that can be changed. They say the first step on the path to recovery is admitting you have an addiction, so I would suppose I am officially on the road.

what being inclusive looks like today

a long time ago, i wrote a blog post about what i like most in friends. i talked about being inclusive, and inquisitive. [i'm sure half the reason was because i liked the alliteration] anyways, i was thinking about those two things the other day, and realized how spot on those traits describe my feyonce-fiance.

he has been in the middle of a crazy hectic month of exams and group projects. he had a giant test that he had been studying for all weekend. this week he texted me saying " woo.WE got a 95% on OUR exam!!" pretty sure i live 3 states away, know 0% about finance, and was of absolutely no help to him in studying for this test...its 99% more likely i was more of a distraction texting him wedding centerpiece picture ideas while he was studying.  im also pretty sure he knows that too. but he always shares the victories with me anyways. from the day he called me to let me know that WE had gotten into our first med school, to the day he called to let me know WE had gotten into the the med school of OUR (mostly his) dreams. i remember being nervous, at the beginning of this journey together, that i would feel as though my contributions weren't as important as his (because he's gonna be a doctor and like, fix people). but from the beginning, he has always been the first to make me feel like my little joys were a reason to celebrate and always made me feel like his academic journey is ours to share.

i never really pictured myself being in a long distance engagement,(lets be honest who does?) with a duel degree school fanatic. [when i cared more about outfit planning than note taking in my college years ] but here i am. && it goes to show that my plans and ideas aren't nearly as cool and sweet as Gods. being far away from my favorite human is tough, (obvi) but it's those little moments of shared joy over aced tests and phone calls where you can't stop laughing that i am reminded that its so worth it. sorry for embarrassing you bevs. [not that you'll see this anytime soon] 

prayer & power

this weekend, i was on our regional leadership retreat.
500 + leaders from southern california in one camp, learning, praying & playing.

normally the weekend is super YL focused, makes sense right?
i leave with new thoughts about my club or about getting students to camp, or about being a leader.

this time, it was different, and it was SO good.

our speaker talked to us about following Jesus, and praying big things, and focusing on who we are in Christ rather than who we are in YL. because people, the goal is so much bigger than club, and camp, and campaigners, as good as those things are. the goal is Christ && getting students in front of HIM.

some of my favorite tidbits.

"what if prayer doesnt just prepare you for the great work, what if prayer IS the great work"

so often we see prayer as something that we do in order to do more. it equips us to go and live, but it isnt really the end product. what if we started looking at prayer as the main goal, the biggest and most powerful thing we have on earth, the greatest thing we can do for our friends, coworkers and families.  >>> this isnt to say you never have to leave your house any more and actually do some work, but if you look at prayer as the great work, perhaps prayer will be come a bigger priority. <<<

another quote i liked, restated in a more understable wordige:

 "dont start talking to your friends about Jesus until you have talked to Jesus about your friends"

praying before acting.  lastly, we were asked,

"if everything you are praying for now, happened, what would happen?"

this got me thinking, am i praying for things that will make a difference in my community, my city, & my people's lives? would any one notice if all my prayers were answered? or am i praying for small unnoticeable things, to scared to submit my big requests to God. lets pray for big things, lets pray for noticable things (and the small things too!) because we have a God  "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" [Eph. 3:20]

heres a picture my friend jess took, in the sweetest tiny chapel we stumbled upon. the door was wide open, inviting us to look around. wish there more a these in the city!

until next time, or my next YL weekend.. jk

#YLsanoLC2015

eeee its been a long time. (not that many of you read this anyways)
but hey, this is for me and my processing.

of course i am back to writing because i just got back from YL camp.
post camp processing is a must.
this year is no different.
no young life trip seems to be complete without some sort of chaos.
this time, it was our bus.
imagine, 47 students and leaders in a bus, driving to camp.
we are excited. us leaders have been getting these kids to sign up for 8 months now.
we have promised them the best week of their lives.
after our first stop in barstow, the door wont seal.
the driver and my awesome leader, sam, finally fix it after an hour, and then climb through the window.
then the bus proceeds to lose it "turbo" whatever that means.
to me, it means going 4MPH-15MPH on any slight uphill.
our 8 hour ride became 13 quickly.
the air conditioning stopped working while going through the AZ desert.
think sweaty students, crammed in a slow bus.
but hey, we survived.
the students got a standing ovation as thye walked into club.
everyone still had the best week of their lives.
us leaders all still got dunked in the dunk tank, and pied in the face.
messy games were still messy.
sin was still discussed.
students talked to God.
6 of our high schoolers, and a handful of our capernaum friends started a relationship with Jesus.
so really, a bad bus doesn't ruin a week.
i think, that God wouldn't let anything ruin that week.
not my fears of finances coming through, or arguments between students, or misunderstandings of talks, or family backgrounds, or missing health forms.
God protected this week.
God met us in that sweaty bus and kept our spirits high.
God gave us the answers to our students questions.
God sought after those students, and loved them so well.
I feel pretty old theses days, because i think i am still tired from our trip.
but at the same time, I am feeling more encouraged and excited than ever before.

thanks, friends.
for the prayers a lot of you prayed.
you rock.

running

if you asked me to think about the time i felt most free in my whole life. i could tell you the exact moment.

i was 16 and had left my house to go for a run. i even remember the exact street i was running down. in my life at that time, i was not so free. i felt very stuck, very fearful, and unsure of who i was. i was holding on to  an unhealthy relationship and searching for the courage to walk away. well as i started running. i remember feeling my heart want to burst out of chest, in the best way possible. in that moment i felt the most confidence i had ever felt. i knew for a fact that what God was calling me to good stuff, that He was for me. that every promise he made was in fact being kept.

those over the moon, set your heart on fire moments don't happen too often. but this week i left to go for a run and had that same excitement i had over 6 years ago. you see, the thing i struggle with the most being a human, is not being able to predict the future. i love planning: my days, my weeks, my years...my whole dang life. but i have been learning this year, sometimes its okay to only know what im doing for the next hour. running this week, i felt peace about my lack of knowledge, about simply thinking about putting one foot in front of the other. since God makes everything exactly how He wants it, im sure that He made a planner. but he also made me dependent on Him.

you see running is more than a way to exercise. its a way to calm my soul. release fears, and talk with God. or sometimes vent. depends on the day. but either way, its freedom to me.

pancakes & peace

"& the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds.."

this weekend i got a taste of what this well quoted verse actually feels like. 

i was leading a high school winter trip to big bear, and everything that could go wrong in the week leading up to it, did. from canceled sign ups to sick leaders, not enough seats in cars, actually being locked out of the cabin, in 28 degree weather, in the dark. yeah that happened too. 

the whole trip was stretching me, physically, mentally, spiritually. 

after the laundry list of chaos, there was this moment, Sunday morning. 

i had woken up before every one else to start cooking breakfast. i looked a mess, complete with flour on my face and clothes. i was so tired. i was drinking cold coffee from the night before. dirty dishes from dinner were in the sink, and i didn't even have a measuring cup to make pancakes with, so i was guessing. 

i felt in the midst of that moment two things. 

1. i felt like a mom of 11. (please Jesus, i want to be a mom, but not of 11)

2. like i was actually on YL staff, and that it wasn't because i was extra talented, or good, or organized, but it was because God was with me, helping me, and picked me to have this role right now. not because someone else wasn't capable, but because He has stuff to teach me through this season.

in that moment it didn't matter that i was an exhausted mess of a leader, or that the cabin was a disaster, and kids were sleeping way later than i had planned, or that we were out of paper plates and were going to eat pancakes off of napkins and bowls. in that moment i felt at peace. God was with me, and while I had the title of trip leader, it wasn't really me leading it. in the midst of all the little things that went wrong, God was teaching me so much, and my students, He was teaching them too. i had peace that all the problems i had made huge in my head, were just little things, and that the important stuff, was in God's hands. & best of all he Protected each and every student, and all of us made it home!

when we got back on Monday, i was in recovery mode, and a couple of the students asked me: can we go back next weekend? ha. i also learned in that moment students don't need a perfect trip to have tons of fun. 

grown up life

In high school, I wanted nothing more than to grow up and start my own life. Now 5 years later, I wish I could be 10 again. In post college life, i find myself wanting nothing more than months at home, family dinners, long hikes in the open space, and chats about life over coffee. The longer I am away from my family, the more I appreciate and cherish them.

 I think its the fact that this wont happen again that makes me crave it so. while being a grown up is fun and exciting, and i like working (sometimes) the indefinence of it is terrifying. Every stage in life before this had a definite end, a graduation date. As an adult there is no graduation date. No finish line to run towards. No semesters with breaks, no canceled classes and days off just because. The permanence of it is actually quite terrifying. This part of my life that I have looked forward to for so many years is now daunting. 

I was always told that it is college where you find yourself and become who you really are supposed to be. Now looking back I disagree. In college you are a student. Your identity is handed to you along with your major and your classes. You have almost instant friends and you live with too many people and stay up way to late. While I did mature in college, I didn't have to identify myself as anything other than a student. 

Now, I am forced to find an identity outside of education, away from instant friends, and far away from home.  I think more than ever I have been learning to cling to the teachings i learned working for Sonshine Ministries. "do not cling to a job, or identity, cling to the person of Christ" When everything else in my life is chaotic and confusing I know just one thing to be constant. Christ.  While I don't know how long each of  these undefined phases of my life will last, I do know that God has equipped me to be an adult and that he will remain the constant peace in this ever changing life.